Sometimes

“Struggling is vital if you wish to grow.” Right now, this seems to ring true more than ever as I battle against the waves that come lashing in, the next more ferocious than the last but on I continue. On and on. Life seemed to always flow before, I’d get what I want, I’d smile, but you know what, I don’t think I ever really grew. I just continued ambling on through life as though it would always be this way. But life has taken a twist, a beautiful twist in so many, many ways and I am happy but I’m struggling. I can’t seem to make out the horizon when before, it had always seemed so clear, so perfect and attainable. But now I know that I am here to grow, to become more conscious and to expand this new found consciousness.

I need to hurt, I need to bleed, I need to feel the blisters that life throw my way because then, and only truly then will I be able to appreciate the full blooming, blessed life that this is.

Back “Here”

I arrived “home” full of teenage excitement, not thinking of back “there” and just relishng the now, the present, the wonderful moment. The plane landed, we smiled as we watched the European sun set before us. Here, now…

Weeks passed us by like days and before we knew it, we were back in the moment but no longer there, now we were back here. The cold startled us, the snow, the old familiar layer of smog that surrounds the crisp white mountains. Our house, our cats, our lives…

Just one thing had now changed. We had returned but it was no longer just the two of us. We were now three. A miracle was born and life was never to be the same again…

Just One of Those Days

I knew there’d be hard times, but I guess I didn’t think them over too much. I assumed they’d come along and I’d deal with them and then well..life goes on. Yes it does…but the bad times do hurt. They do render you a little useless for a while. The heart seems to close down and you’re overcome with an ineffable feeling of lonliness and disappointment. Why do things have to be this way? What did I do wrong? Is this really what they mean by real life? Can I really not always be the happy person I thought I’d be? Today I feel lonely. My music accompanies me as I close my eyes and dream of better days ahead…of wide open fields bathed in red sunlight…..

Home, almost

Days, nights, long afternoons, blue skies, avocado sandwiches, burning sun, bicycle rides and the sound of wind chimes. Views of mountains, dark blue seas and ships set to sail. It’s all slowly becoming home now. Slowly. Almost.

Light does Shine

I only recently discovered the light. It took me a while to get there; sometimes I’d catch glimpses along the way but the journey would continue and true light was still not stumbled upon.

It was only when I finally began to accept myself that I began to see it. One day, I sat down, weary from cuts and bruises and brushing myself off I whispered to myself: Ok. This is Me. This is Who I am. I then found the light. Or rather it found me.

We found each other and the time bathed in it was blissful. I would sit in silence on many nights and early mornings and feel the energy seep through me. Universal energy. Universal light. Unconditional love and hope.

Time has passed now and I have felt the light fade away. Or perhaps, I faded? I lost myself again, weighed down by our physical dimension and all the heaviness that surrounds it. It was my fault. My choice. I took the light for granted and expected it to always be close, guiding, loving, supporting. But, how can that be if once again I have come close to hating, hurting and have chosen fear? Amidst the chaos, I chose to wrap my arms around the darkness again…but I promise that this is just a passing moment. A part of the ups and downs of our human existence. But now, I have chosen to follow the light again.

I am seeking. I am believing. I have faith.

Lolita

He watched her slowly, taking in her beauty, bit by bit, breathing in her essence, swallowing her whole. She seemed indifferent now but he knew right then and there that she would be the only woman he would ever love; truly love, deeply, wholly and completely. And he would never forget the way the trees blew in the wind as they drove down dusty country roads….

Play It Forward

Life continues – beautiful most days, filled with hope and laughter, bleary and dull on others where only grey skies accompany me…
I try hard not to look back anymore as I move forwards, and I’m finding it easier as the days go by and I am lurched more and more into my new life, my existence, here, my new world. The “then” all seems so pointless now.

Withering memories; all so unnecessary.

Love

I have too much of the stuff now. The real stuff. I have never felt this enlightened. Only now matters and of course, you. And love.

Choice

It all felt so right this time last year. I was finally packing up my bags and leaving to a land I had never even thought about let alone thought about moving to and living in. Back then and from such a distance, this, the here and the now, felt like some amazing dream come true. Nothing could be better than this. Exotic landscapes. A welcoming new culture. Far from grimy, gritty England. But, now I find myself in a grimier, grittier place and aching to leave; dreaming of true greenery and wide open fields and cool, fresh, clean air.

I know that all I need to be is more patient, with myself and my present situation but it doesn’t take away the soreness and raw pain of where I now find myself. This robotic, hard, cold society who have never left their “island” and continue their lives sleepwalking.

Perhaps I am here to learn something; to grow, expand and evolve but I’m still trying to understand how? Perhaps my disappointment has become too warped that I only see the negative. I am told to count my blessings and yes, I know I should. I feel so ungrateful at times.

What about you know who who stands next to you loving you more than his own life? What about weekends in the mountains and walks on beaches with large lashing waves that come crashing down and remind me that life is so beautiful? What about the long, hot summers where days are long, light and buzzing and the suns rays warm even the coldest of hearts. What about the two little bundles of fluffy joy who sleep curled up on your chest, purring, with big smiles on their faces?

Life can be cruel but even more so if we CHOOSE to focus on that which we perceive to be as cruel, negative and cold.

Focus on that which is good, the joy, the spirit, the light – and feel moods change almost instantly. It is up to us. And up to me now.

Destruction

I am powerless;
and wrap my arms around my knees.
Tears and quiet sobs
intermingle with birdsong.
I silently cry out for all of you
my heart bending in pain.
Yet nobody hears.
Too far, too gone.
Long gone.